Does Pippa dress in the dark: A fabulous figure, fashion freebies galore, and endless parties to show off at... but Kate's sister can never get her outfit right

By LIZ JONES

She is enviably slim, has great hair, seemingly limitless funds, and is perpetually inundated with the kind of invitations any social butterfly would kill for. 

But there is one thing poor Pippa Middleton does not have, and unfortunately for her it is something money can’t buy: style.

She has barely paused for breath in the past week, her life a never-ending carousel of society weddings, appearances and parties. 

A simple trip to the shops earlier this week surely didn't warrant a twinset? It creates a fuddy-duddy effect on such a lovely young figure - and my eyes are drawn to only one place. Why isn't she wearing a bra?

Given her media profile, I’ve no doubt that designers fall over themselves to offer her anything in their collections her heart should desire. So why can’t she ever get it right?

 

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Time and again, Pippa, 29, appears with clothes like potato sacks, over-made-up panda eyes, a lack of a bra or any sort of upholstery at all — which means her breasts loll rather unfortunately like spaniel’s ears — with her knees exposed knobbly at every occasion. 

Her look has no coherence whatsoever as she vacillates from Sloane Ranger circa 1982 to East End barmaid.

For a summer party earlier this week, Pippa wears lurid red lace that is four inches too short and a country mile too low and ghastly beige wedges, the sort that Cherie Blair might wear

At Wimbledon (idea for George Osborne: scan the stands to find out why so many people aren't at work). In a blue mini-dress blouson, nude bag and shoes. The matchy-matchiness is horrid

At the poshest wedding of the year last week, she looks like Sarah Palin. the peplum dress is a bad idea, the print too jazzy, and what awful shoes. Love the hat though.

Promoting her ¿book¿, Pippa impersonates a Quality Street wrapper. But I can¿t believe she¿s wearing matching purple shoes AND bag!

Oh dear. Is it Eugenie? Beatrice? Has Pip been rummaging through their cast-offs? At a wedding in September 2011, she displays a particularly bad print dress

Another wedding, in 2011, and this green confection reminds me of Diana at her Eighties worst: the big bow, the unfettered flounces, the yards of chiffon. Just awful

It seems that knock-out bridesmaid’s dress was a one-off, an anomaly, before Pippa changed into too-short jazzy red Next lace, opaque black tights and cork wedges for ever more.

Like most well-to-do young women, she is oozing with confidence. 

It seems she never doubts that wedges are just marvellous, or questions whether she should do anything about her unfettered breasts (I do wish she would go to Rigby & Peller for a fitting. They have the Royal Warrant; that must mean a discount, surely?) 

Let me give Pippa a few fashion tips. Your skirts are always those crucial few inches too short, your jackets too boxy and travelling saleswoman. 

You either dress like the Queen Mum or Heidi. 

On a night out at Loulou¿s private members¿ club, she tries the printed pyjama trousers trend, but tops them with a sober double-glazing salesperson jacket

At another wedding in April, this blue linen dress could have worked were it a bit sexier: strapless, printed, by Victoria Beckham, maybe? The necklace is pure Bet Lynch

For the U.S. Open in September, the length is right in this colour-blocked dress, but her hair, VIP pass and neckline are all jumbled together

Cheltenham in March, wearing the garment I hate most in the world: a too short, buttoned-up coat. Its vile colour reminds me of a pot of Colman¿s mustard

At yet another wedding, in pale pink Temperley: too short, too poufy, too embroidered. I am amazed women can dress like this and still get a date

This Temperley dress in 2011 is too short, too loud, too shiny. Note the shoe boots, which Pippa thinks make her seem edgy. They don¿t. She¿s about as edgy as a striped rugby shirt

It is always girls from Essex and Cheshire who catch the flak for their fake lashes, conker skin and bare midriffs. 

But society gals like Pippa are much, much worse, because we all know that however bad their dress sense, or how often they make a £1,000 dress look like something radioactive from Topshop, they will always snare a nice, handsome young man with three names (the middle one most often a ‘Van’) and a job in a bank, or an inherited pile. 

The only thing that will save Pippa from turning into Demi Moore or, worse, Nancy Dell’Olio, is if she snares a laird with a Scottish estate, where it’s just too cold to get a tan, or bare a limb. 

At the polo, this dress is a sort of sub-Diane von Furstenberg wrap with impossibly ugly sleeves. The overall effect is far too old. And can¿t she stop wearing wedges?

Attending a jewellery presentation last year, looking strangely tired, this high-waisted skirt and shiny blouse smells of decades-old Sloane Ranger

Tatler¿s 300th birthday party, and this one-shoulder fright dress looks so cheap it must be a rip-off from Forever 21. The yellow and black makes my eyes water

The Royal Wedding: Hurray! She is a vision! A curvy temptress! A rump that launched a thousand gym visits. So much promise, so little delivery

It’s all such a shame. She promised so much. 

While Kate has to be formal, and wear High Street clothes for fear of expanding the country’s deficit, Pippa could have been a latter-day Princess Margaret: sexy, elegant, clever and cool. 

Instead, Pippa’s sole reason for existing seems to be to show us how the world would look if Primark were suddenly awarded a Royal Warrant.