By Eimear O'hagan
MY HUSBAND HAS NEVER SEEN ME NAKED
Leigh Martyn Thomas, 38, and her husband Gethin have been married for 15 years, together for 19 years and have two children, but he has never seen her naked
Leigh Martyn Thomas, 38, a singing teacher, lives in Colchester, Essex, with her husband Gethin, 42, an engineer, and their two children Phoebe, 12, and Dylan, ten.
Leigh says: Gethin and I have been married for 15 years, together for 19 years and have two children, but he has never seen me naked.
Why? I suffer from a deep-rooted shyness and loathing of my body. No amount of reassurance or declarations of love from him can encourage me to let him see me without clothes.
I know that when a husband looks at his wife, he’s looking at the woman he loves, the mother of his children, his soulmate and lover. He’s not looking for perfection.
Why is it, then, that when I look in the mirror, all I see are imperfections? The rolls of fat, the cellulite, the marks of time.
I often joke it’s not plastic surgery I need, but therapy.
I’m 5 ft 6 in, size 14/16 and can’t remember ever being comfortable with my body. My weight has fluctuated between a ten and a size 20. I’m a classic yo-yo dieter and two pregnancies have seen my weight fluctuate. But even at my thinnest, I disliked the way I looked: I could still see my short legs and cellulite. And as my children were born by Caesarean, I have an unattractive scar to add to my many other body woes. Yet in my day-to-day life I’m confident.
I’d adore to be uninhibited around Gethin, to be gloriously naked and comfortable, to let him enjoy my body, but there’s a trip-switch in my brain that just won’t let it happen.
I’m constantly on guard to make sure he doesn’t catch sight of me without clothes. At bedtime, I wait until he’s brushing his teeth then change into my nightdress. I’ve even asked him to leave the room when I want to get dressed in the morning.
We do have a sex life, but my nightdress is always on. Without any kinky intent at all, I’ve even resorted to blindfolding Gethin during lovemaking, so that I can feel more relaxed. Luckily, he’s an easy-going chap who’s willing to go along with whatever I want. Gethin insists he doesn’t feel as if he’s missing out, though it troubles me that I’m constantly hiding something from my husband.
Because I’ve always had these issues, they’re part of who I am and consequently part of our marriage.
Forcing myself to strip off would upset me so much I know it would wreck our relationship, so why put myself through it?
I know I’m lucky Gethin is as understanding as he is; he doesn’t pressure me and we’ve never argued about it.
My issues are so ingrained, however, I honestly don’t think I’ll ever let my husband see me naked.
Gethin says: 'I wish things could be different, not for me, but for her. I think she'd be a happier person if she could love and accept her body'
GETHIN SAYS: I wish Leigh could see herself through my eyes. To me she is the most beautiful woman in the world, but she just can’t see it herself.
It’s taken a long time for me to understand how deep-rooted are her issues about nudity.
I’ve spent years reassuring her and trying to persuade her to relax a bit in front of me, but I realise now that it’s futile.
I know it’s highly unusual for a husband never to have seen his wife naked, but despite this we have a very happy and fulfilling relationship. I don’t feel as if I’m missing out.
But I wish things could be different, not for me, but for her. I think she’d be a happier person if she could love and accept her body.
What I’ve seen of her body is fantastic, so there’s no reason for her shyness, but I understand it’s an emotional, not physical, problem.
IN 15 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, HE'S NEVER SEEN ME NUDE
Sam Green 40, a company secretary, has never let husband Stuart, 40, see her naked after losing a lot of weight because her self-esteem hasn't caught up with her physical transformation
Sam Green 40, a company secretary, lives in Leigh-on-Sea, Essex, with her husband Stuart, 40, a company director, and their son, Toby, five.
She says: When I embarked on a stringent diet last summer, I thought my confidence would soar as the pounds dropped off. I assumed I’d lose all my long-standing hang-ups and finally feel good about being naked. Sadly, that didn’t happen.
In just five months, I lost four stone and shrunk from a size 18 to a size eight, after being overweight for most of my adult life.
But I’m more reluctant than ever to let Stuart see me naked, a situation that shames me.
It’s as if my emotions and self-esteem haven’t caught up with the physical transformation I’ve achieved. I’ve learned that weight loss doesn’t guarantee you a perfect body — or a perfect self-image.
Stuart and I have been together for ten years and while I’ve never been completely comfortable with nudity, in the past I wasn’t as shy as I am now. I never felt comfortable being naked in front of him, but I didn’t avoid it, as I do now.
I was a big child who just got bigger as the years passed. I comfort ate and loved takeaways and sweets, so every pound showed on my 5 ft frame.
Still, Stuart and I always had a good physical relationship. I ballooned to 17 stone when I was pregnant with Toby and even though I dropped to 14 stone, I was seriously overweight.
Three years ago, I remember looking in the mirror and what I saw disgusted me. How could I possibly let Stuart see my body?
Because I’d never been a fan of nudity, my reluctance wasn’t obvious and luckily didn’t cause any rows. Secretly, though, I was angry with myself.
In 2012, Stuart and I were told we would need fertility treatment if we were to have a second child, but I was too overweight to qualify for it.
DID YOU KNOW?
Men rate their partners as more attractive in pyjamas than a skimpy bra and briefs, according to a new study
Though I longed for another baby, I was also excited at the prospect of being slim. I dreamed of loving my body so much that I’d be happy to strip off in front of Stuart. But the sexy new me didn’t materialise.
Rapid weight loss left me with an apron of loose skin on my stomach and hideous bingo wings. And, despite six months of fertility drugs, I haven’t fallen pregnant.
My horrible, saggy body is the first thing I see in the morning and I can’t wait to get my clothes on — and keep them on. Only when I’m dressed do I feel happy and confident.
Come bedtime, I put on my pyjamas in the bathroom. Sex only happens with the lights off and the duvet on.
Stuart says: 'People compliment her on her new figure and I'm proud to be her husband. I just wish she could be as proud of herself'
Stuart doesn’t say very much about my behaviour, but I can’t help worrying I am driving him away with my prudishness and shyness.
I just hope and pray my confidence will catch up with my new body.
STUART SAYS: When Sam disappears upstairs at 7pm to put on her pyjamas just so I won’t see her naked, I feel very sad as she never used to be this shy around me.
No wife should feel so self-conscious in front of her husband, but I understand she can’t help her hang-ups.
People compliment her on her new figure and I’m proud to be her husband. I just wish she could be as proud of herself.
Her weight loss happened so quickly I’m not surprised her self-esteem needs time to catch up. I’m prepared to wait for her to find the confidence she needs.
THE MENOPAUSE SHATTERED MY CONFIDENCE
Housewife Angela Landes, 55, says menopause is to blame for her low sense of self-esteem
Housewife Angela Landes, 55, lives in North London with her husband Sidney, 57, an estate agent. They have three grown-up children.
She says: After 35 years of marriage, my poor husband can’t understand why I’ve become so shy about my body.
We’ve been together since I was 16, so Sidney knows every inch of my body. Being naked in front of each other used to be part of married life.
That’s not to say I was happy with my body, especially after having three children, but I wasn’t shy.
But that all changed 18 months ago when a combination of stopping smoking and the menopause meant I gained a stone. I’m now a size 16 and the change has appalled me.
For the first time in my life I have a tummy, my breasts are sagging and my bottom looks flat. My self-image has taken a battering.
Sidney insists he still sees me as the young woman he met when we were teenagers, but I just can’t believe him. How can he not see what I see?
I wake up before him to get dressed and wait until he’s gone to bed before getting undressed.
After four decades together, our love life isn’t as active as it once was, but when we’re intimate it’s a strictly lights-off affair.
Men gain weight, get old and bald, but don’t give a damn; their confidence seems more robust than a woman’s.
I think about my body more now than I ever used to and the more I dwell on it, the less keen I am to show it off.
SIDNEY SAYS: I may not understand why Angela has become self-conscious, but I love her so I have to respect her wishes and not make a big deal about it.
While she may be unhappy about the weight she’s gained, I love her curves. I’m as attracted to her as I was when we met 40 years ago, and I’d love her to stop being so shy and accept that though her body has changed, that’s natural.
Sidney says: 'I'm as attracted to her as I was when we met 40 years ago and I'd love her to stop being so shy'
BECOMING A MOTHER MADE ME HATE MY BODY
Full-time mother Jennifer Webb, 32, says that ever since she has given birth, her body has been hidden under layers of clothes
Full-time mother Jennifer Webb, 32, lives in Durham with her partner Chris, 32, a financial adviser, and their one-year-old son Elwood.
She says: The last time Chris saw me naked was in October 2012, the night before our son was born. I was so huge I’d got stuck in the bath and he had to help me out.
Ever since, my body has been hidden under layers of clothes or passion-killing pyjamas.
I feel as if I’m in the wrong body: I look at myself and can’t believe this is really me. I’m a size 16 instead of my former toned size ten. I have rolls of fat on my stomach and horrendous stretch marks on my thighs.
People ask when my second baby’s due because they think I’m pregnant, which makes me want to cry.
Before I got pregnant, I loved wearing skimpy outfits and even posed nude for life-drawing classes. I certainly had no qualms about showing my body to Chris.
The new me couldn’t be more different. My post-pregnancy body has come as a shock. I just can’t bear for Chris to see me like this.
The worse I feel about myself, the more daunting it is to try to improve my body. I don’t feel like the woman Chris fell in love with
I wait until he’s left for work before I shower, and change into pyjamas early in the evening to avoid undressing in front of him at bedtime.
We do have sex, but I need a lot of persuasion. Sometimes I shy away from kissing Chris for fear of it going further.
I’m open with him about how I feel and I’d hate for him to feel he’s being rejected because of my shyness.
I haven’t resigned myself to being like this forever. When Elwood is older, I hope to have more time to work on getting my body back. Only then will I be happy to stop hiding from the man I love.
CHRIS SAYS: When I look at Jennifer, I see my best friend, the woman I love and the mother of my son. What her body looks like is irrelevant to me because I love her as a person.
I feel helpless because nothing I say makes her feel better about herself.
I hate to see her feel self-conscious around me, so I’d never pressure her to do anything she doesn’t feel comfortable with. I just hope this is a temporary phase and that the old, confident Jennifer will return.
Chris says: 'I feel helpless because nothing I say makes her feel better about herself
No comments:
Post a Comment