TOWIE star Gemma Collins: I fear my miscarriage was ‘punishment’ for having an abortion

Secret pain ... Gemma Collins

GEMMA Collins has revealed that she suffered a miscarriage last year, but believes it was "God's way" of punishing her for a previous abortion.

The 32-year-old bubbly blonde has never spoken about her feelings over terminating a pregnancy, but has opened up about her pain in her autobiography called Basically.

In the book, the BMW saleswoman explains that she fell pregnant around nine years ago, when she was in a five-year relationship with a City Banker named Robert.

But as she hadn't realised she was pregnant and had still been taking a contraceptive pill.

Gemma had even taken additional medication for her "upset tummy" leading several doctors to advise her that the foetus could have been harmed.

Talking about her difficult decision to have an abortion, Gemma told a newspaper: "I didn’t know I was pregnant because I’ve got polycystic ovaries."

Lust ... Gemma Collins and ex-lover James 'Arg' Argent

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"The doctor said the embryo wouldn’t be a good one because I’d been taking medication. I got three doctors’ opinions – I still felt really guilty about it, though."

Gemma, who lived with her boyfriend at the time, said: "It should have been every girl’s dream come true – I had a nice house, a lovely boyfriend, everything was lovely."

"We were together for five years – we could have had a baby. Some people are together for six months.

Smiling through the pain ... Gemma Collins

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"But I think he s*** himself. When I first said I’m pregnant, he seemed happy. Then I think it made him realise he didn’t want to be with me for the rest of my life."

Facing the idea of raising a child alone and with the potential of medical complications, Gemma had a tough decision to make.

She said: "It was like, do I want to be a single mum? Can I do it? If he doesn’t want the baby, surely I deserve that full-on relationship with someone."

But Gemma suffered a SECOND secret heartache when she suffered a miscarriage the night before attending the National Television Awards last year.

Happier times ... Gemma Collins and current boyfriend Rami Hawash

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She had once again fallen pregnant, this time by a friend of many years and has admitted that she "definitely" wanted to keep it.

But despite the tragedy, she still went to the awards bash, and didn't let her pals know of her pain.

She said: "I didn’t want to go into it. The TOWIE cast see me as the mother hen – I’m like the big sister, the stronger one. They’re in their 20s – I didn’t want to spoil their night. I just kept schtum and didn’t say nothing."

She later started dating James 'Arg' Argent, 25, before later splitting with the chubby crooner.

She is now in a relationship with on-off boyfriend, business Rami Hawash who she lives with.

Gemma said: "Rami could turn out to be my knight in shining armour, who knows? Yes, I’d love the fairy tale dream wedding, and it will happen, but I don’t know when."

Gemma Collins’ autobiography Basically (£12.99, Ebury Press) is out on Thursday.